Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Hitting That, Monkey Style

I swear, this one really isn't my fault.  Sinus pain and a wife that seems to be dreaming she's in a tornado are keeping me from sleeping.  I want to sleep.  If I didn't have to be up in 3 hours, I'd go uncork the Cuervo and knock myself out properly.  Since that isn't an option, I decided to try and distract myself with a little online reading.

When I came across the title, I was instantly intrigued,and not just because of the sexual context.  "7 Ways to End a Sexual Dry Spell With a Bang."  The small words aren't capitalized.  When I'm paying attention, I do my own titles the same way, that amused me.  Also, the source of the link was kind of strange.  I was reading Instapundit.  Finding a link on improving your sex life on what is largely a political links blog amused me, as well.

Off I went to read.

I'm fairly certain not informing your reader that you are sending them to a mommy blog is illegal in all 50 states.  If not, it certainly should be.  I don't care if the link is to a video of naked lesbian midgets demonstrating 50 ways to remove Cool Whip without using your hands, you warn someone before you send them into the strange child cult world of mommy bloggers. 

I'll be honest, when I realized it was a mommy blog, I wanted to read the article even more if only to see what mommy bloggers say about sex.  From my experience with mommy bloggers, I just assumed sex was out of the question unless the child was in another state locked in a sound proof light-less room to be absolutely certain the child could not pick up on any sights, sounds, or smells that would possibly scar them for life.  Sheets would have to be burned, the entire house would need disinfected, and then the child could come home.  Really, who has the time?

So, how does a mommy blogger end a sexual dry spell?  Read it yourself.  Not bad advice, though I don't think much of it would be particularly helpful, especially if the one holding out is the guy as is suggested by number 5.  Ladies, guys aren't women.  Even for a guy like me, who is pretty open to discussing feelings, if you come at me and say, "I feel like we're not having enough se.....

Wait, bad example.  If ya said that to me, I'd be naked before you got to "I."  Hell, I'm naked right now.  (That's actually true, though I do have a blanket around me.) 

Let's try that again.

If your man isn't putting out and you go to him and say, "I feel we aren't having enough sex," one of two things is going to happen.  Either he's going to get defensive or he's not going to give a damn.  He's not going to think, "she's using feeling words, she's so nice."  He's going to think you're insulting his manhood and making it worse by using soft feminine language.  Not a good plan.  The other option is he's not interested in you sexually and all the feeling statements in the world won't make him want to dip into your quivering mound of love pudding.  (If you can name the movie referenced in those last five words, give yourself a high five from me.)

I have no advice for how to make a man want to fuck you if he won't.  I don't understand guys like that.  I'm not being mean here, I simply have no point of reference.  If you've tried everything from greeting him at the door wearing nothing but his white dress shirt to whispering in his ear, "I need fucked hard," and nothing is working, I am no help to you.

What I can tell you is what I've told you many times, taking advice about men from women is rarely a good idea.  I wish you the best of luck.  

If you're a guy looking for advice on how to turn on your woman, just one simple piece of advice, pay attention, you idiot. 

Stop waiting for the advice.  That was it.  Pay attention, you idiot.  To her, not me.  Though you should pay attention to me telling you to pay attention to her.

Guys, if you think we get turned on by some weird shit, wait until you discover all the things that can turn a woman on.  I'm not listing any from my own life, I'd like to have sex again some day and spilling secrets causes dry spells, unless your woman is into sharing her secrets, which as far as I know my wife is not. .

Pay attention to your partner.  If rubbing her back gets you some action, remember that.  If buying her a diamond gets you some, remember that.  If watching erotic movies (girl porn) gets her in the mood, remember that.  Find the things that turn her on and do those things.

There is one important clause to this nookie secret, one that is paramount to continued copulation, don't overdo it.  If you rub her back on Monday and she puts out, don't expect that she is going to put out every night you rub her back.  It might work every night but chances are slim.  Instead of rewarding you for a kind deed, by Wednesday, she's going to be resenting you for thinking you are going to get lucky just because you rubbed her back.

I know, doesn't make sense to me either.  If my wife looks at my back, I'll put out.  Hell, she doesn't even have to look at me.  But, fellas, trust me on this one.  Advice columns are filled with stories of women who put out after their guy did something for her and now they feel obligated to put out every time he does it and they resent it and want him to stop.

Mix it up. 

The only exception is diamonds. I've never heard any woman complain about sex after a diamond.  Ever.


I really didn't mean this as a "How to Seduce Your Uninterested Partner" piece.  I actually planned to address another post I read about parenting while I was in the scary world of mommy blogs but that will have to wait for another post, this one is long enough. 

I am going to be so damned tired tomorrow.  I hope you enjoyed this little trip into the Mind of the Tired Ass Monkey.  See ya next time.


  1. Monkey, I loved this post. Bill & I have been happily married 31+ years. We always say it is all about communication, which isn't just verbal.
    This post is so real and open. I hope people take heed, men and women. Thank you. You are one smart monkey.

    1. I had fun with this one. I really did have a completely different post in mind but as I kept typing, things just evolved. Glad you enjoyed it, too.

  2. Oh, so that's what inside of a proper mommy blog looks like.
    I had this whole tirade thing going on, where I was going to vent about it not being rocket science when it comes to talking to your partner about sex but I haven't slept in over 24 hours and I'm beginning to hallucinate about talking giant chocolate bars.

    Hope you got that much needed rest Frank. :)

    1. I got some rest, not enough but enough for now.

      I don't have anything against blogging circles, it's a great way for like minded folks to increase traffic but the MB crowd is a bit too conformist for my tastes. It can be downright creepy.

  3. Naked Gun 2.5 but don't high five me. I was on the verge of remembering but kept coming up with Airplane and it didn't feel right so Lord Google helped.

    Yeah, um, that mommy blog advice was like sitting down with one of our first marriage counselors. I began to yawn halfway through. It was so common sense if you can't figure out that kind of basic stuff, how can you communicate in the real world? You can't run around pointing at people and say YOU NEED TO without them going on the defense. If you're tired, you ain't gonna get laid, so, try it another time. Duh. If you ain't getting none, talk about it. But, couples tend to come home, sit next to each other on the couch and think they are spending time together. Nope. Lock the kids out of the house and tell them to go play and enjoy the sunshine while mommy and daddy "talk" for a little while.

    You gave some great advice, Monkey.

    1. I applaud your effort in looking it up. Love those movies, though 33 1/3 was mostly shit.