This should go without saying but it is obvious it needs said. Being sorry you got caught, being sorry you're being rightfully blamed for you actions, or being sorry people are mad at you are not the same as being sorry for what you did. Whether it's bumping into someone on accident or knocking up the neighbor's wife, a sincere apology requires owning your actions, taking responsibility for what you did.
Even in a case where you aren't sorry for what you said or did, you can be sorry if you inadvertently hurt feelings. "I'm sorry that hurt your feelings, but, I'm not sorry I said it." That's still taking responsibility for your part.
What is not acceptable is to set out to hurt someone, do it, and then say sorry when you realize how alone you were in your goals. That's not sorrow, it's deflection and self pity. You made conscious decisions. There was nothing accidental. You own the actions whether you claim responsibility or not.
Our civilized society tells us to say we're sorry when we hurt someone but an insincere apology is a lie. There is nothing civilized about adding insult to injury.
I don't expect people to be sorry for every fucked up thing they do. I expect them to be sorry for the things they are actually sorry for. My morals aren't your morals so it's not for me to tell you when you should offer an apology but I can damn sure tell you when your shouldn't.
If you don't mean it, keep it to yourself.
Are you going to post what prompted this, Monkey? I pray it wasn't from my blog. (She says as that 70's song "You're So Vain" runs through her head).
ReplyDelete~yes, this is a new blog, I done branched out to two!
Someone did something to someone I care very deeply for and then tried the "I'm sorry" bullshit. I don't want to be more specific than that here. What's done, is done. But the situation reminded me of how often people say, "I'm sorry" and you can tell they have no remorse for what they did, only how they are treated for what they did.
DeleteI agree with you, Monkey. Too often people are not sorry for what they do, but rather for getting caught. Oftentimes they aren't even sorry you are hurt, preferring to justify their actions. Sad.
ReplyDeleteI have no doubt those people are sorry when they say it, just not for the right thing.
DeleteIt's like when a child says it in order to get out of trouble, or to get their own way. Sorry means nothing if it isn't sincere. My ex always used to say "sorry...but..." If you need to add a 'but' then you weren't really sorry in the first place.
ReplyDeleteJeez Frank, you've got my ranting juices all a-flowing. :)
Your transformation to the darkside is nearly complete. Rant hard!
Delete"Sorry but" is an attempt to justify, not to offer sincere apology.
I'm with you on this one too, Monkey. I believe in the power of apology, but only when it is sincere, and comes from true remorse over the actions and the ones hurt, rather than just wishing it wouldn't have ended up badly for the perpetrator. There are far too many empty words thrown about, don't say it unless you really mean it!
ReplyDeleteAnd that's just it, in these situations I believe there is no remorse, just self pity. A lie on top of whatever offense occurred. The only sorrow they feel is for themselves.
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