The Monkey's Guide to Dirty Talk

A couple weeks ago, I wrote about my mommy blog visit and how I meant to write something completely different than I ended up writing.  I'm working overnights for the next five days so I decided to head back to the mommy blog to write the post I meant to write and schedule it for later in the week.

Can you guess what happened?

Yep, I got distracted again.  Not my fault, I swear.  I had a plan but I ran into an post titled "How to Talk Dirty Without Grossing Yourself Out."

See, not my fault.  Enough of why I'm writing this, let's get to the issue.  The author seems like a nice enough lady but damn her sex life depresses me.

She gives us 3 soft core options for beginners, "I want you now" "I love how you touch me" and "I'll do anything you want."  

The first two are so boring and mundane you're going to kill the erection you're using.  The last one, ladies, I don't recommend ever saying that unless you already know his deepest darkest fantasies.  Trust me on this.

From there, the author takes us into hard core dirty talk, "I want your d*ck in me now" "I love how you f*ck me" and "I'll make you c*m so hard."

I'm going to forgive her for censoring the words in an article about how to talk dirty since we can tell what she meant to say.  Well, unless she meant "duck" in that first one in which case, she's one freaky chick.  For clarity, we're going to assume she meant "dick" "fuck" and "cum." 

Ladies, this is the soft core dirty talk.  This is mild.

This is another one of those times the sexes are just too different.  It's time for....

The Monkey's Guide to Talking Dirty

Whispering dirty words into your lover's ear can turn good sex into amazing sex.  Saying the wrong thing can turn great sex into a restraining order.   How do you know which phrases will thrill and which will repulse?  The beauty of the human sex drive is that everything sounds better when you're having sex.  The wildest ideas become maybes.  The unthinkable becomes tolerable, even worth considering, if only until orgasm is reached.

For Her

Ladies, generally speaking, you don't have to worry too much about what you say in bed.  There is very little you can say that will offend a man with his penis in ya.  What seems incredibly dirty to you is probably pretty tame to him.

It can be awkward learning what you are comfortable saying but practice makes perfect.  Next time your man is on you, grab a handful of his hair and whisper the dirtiest thing you can think of.  Just make sure you're done because at that moment, he likely will be, especially if you aren't usually talkative.

There is one rather large exception to this verbal free for all.  Keep any mention of penis size complimentary.  No guy wants to hear, "I can almost feel that" or any variation on that theme. 

For Him

Guys, we have to be a lot more careful.  For every woman that likes to hear what a slut she is, there is one that will kick you in the nuts for it.  I know it's not easy but you can save a lot of heartache (and crotch pain) by simply talking to her about it.

How do you ask a woman if she likes to be called a slut when her knees are pinned next to her ears?  The best time is after sex.  Cuddle up with her and ask her if she likes to talk dirty.  She'll likely answer with something like, "I don't know, it's weird" or some other noncommittal reply indicating her discomfort with the topic.  That is to be expected.  Don't panic.

Explain to her that you like dirty talk and would like to incorporate it into your sex life and you were just looking for the boundaries.  She still won't commit to much but with a little patience, she will tell you where the line is.  "Never call me a slut" is pretty straight forward.

Things to Keep in Mind 

There is a difference between fantasy and reality.  Don't invite the guys from work over to surprise your wife or girlfriend because she told you about her gang bang fantasy unless you've discussed it outside of the bedroom.

You're naked, it's ok to let some of those inhibitions go.

What would normally be an insult can be incredibly sexy when whispered in an ear while fucking.

"Make love" has no business in any dirty talk.

Dirty talk doesn't have to be restricted to having sex, it can be amazing foreplay.  Whisper dirty things to each other in a crowded place you can't leave and you'll see what I mean.

Sometimes, no words at all are just as sexy.  As with all things sexual, mix it up to keep it interesting.

Dirty talk can be a great addition to your bedroom escapades.  Communication, in and out of bed, will keep it hot rather than repulsive.

It's sex, have fun for fuck's sake.