This weeks Two Shoe Tuesdays prompt is aware. I spent the week thinking about what I would say about the word. Awareness is a pretty big subject and many topics came to mind.
And then I read this. Traits unhappy couples have in common.
The traits are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. There is an explanation of each in the article, along with credentials about the author to assure readers that the guy that came up with these is in fact knowledgeable.
What isn't said is how this doctor has done in his own relationships. When relationship advice is being given, I'm far more likely to listen if it comes from a couple that's been married for 40 years than if it comes from a doctor who has been divorced 9 times. Of course, they never tell us the relationship status of the experts.
The article starts out with a story. David Bakke got married in 2006 at the age of 45 and never thought he'd get divorced. We learn that the couple was happy until they got married, They started criticizing each other, though Dave doesn't give examples of how he criticized her, for things they didn't like about one another.
He was a saver, she was a spender. She wasn't clean enough for him in the kitchen or something. I gotta be honest here, I stopped paying attention when he said that these differences became an issue after marriage.
How the hell do you commit yourself to someone for life without knowing if they wash the dishes immediately after dinner or not? And if you did know, what kind of asshole do you have to be to then hold that trait against them? You married her, ya dumbshit.
Dave tells us that we'd be surprised how an unwillingness of a partner to change can destroy a relationship. This right here is why the divorce rate it so high. Dave doesn't say these things came as a surprise to him. He was aware of who she was. He just thought she should change to suit him.
My wife does things that make me crazy and I know, because she tells me, that I do things that make her nuts. But we don't try to change each other. I love her as is. I'm not in love with some idea of who I wish she'd be.
If you are looking to be happy in your relationship, accept your partner for who they are. It really is that simple. If who they are is unacceptable, leave. Don't try to change them, don't bitch to your friends about them, don't criticize them constantly for being who they are. Get your shit and go.
The time for this is before you declare your unwavering devotion and agree to be bound for life. Far too often, couples know they aren't compatible but get married anyway. And like Dave, they end up divorced and wondering how they got there. There is no mystery here, they were aware of who their partner was but went into it expecting their partner to change, then they act surprised when the person they were with is exactly who they seemed to be.
Marriage is hard enough when you want to be together. Do yourself a favor and either accept your partner for who they are or, if you can't, move on.
Following my own rules for advice here, I am married to the same woman I dated in high school. This year we will celebrate our twentieth wedding anniversary. While there are times I'm sure she'd like to kill me, my being alive to write this is a testament to the fact that accepting the flaws of your partner is the secret to success.
I agree with this 100% but I am sure my ex louse would totally disagree.
ReplyDeleteThat's ok, around here what an ex says doesn't matter. They are twits anyway.
DeleteAmen Monkey! I can't begin to count how many couples I know split up because that little trait they found endearing or just slightly annoying became a huge festering wound when the got married. How often have I heard "but I thought he/she would change or settle down, or be something other than exactly what they were. Why should they. When you shop at the store you check out the product before you buy and you don't expect it to perform differently once you get it home and out of the wrapper. You hit the nail on the head with this one Monkey, learn to live with the small shit (without resentment building up) or decide it's more than you can live with and leave, but quit griping about it or trying to change them! This was a great use of "aware", and maybe "beware" too! :-)
ReplyDeleteIt just struck me how asinine Dave from the article was. He was surprised that the relationship with a woman he had nothing in common with ended in divorce. WTF? How unaware can you be?
DeleteI just read another article that is prompting my next post on a similar topic.
It's funny - I was watching an old episode of Say Yes to the Dress with my daughter yesterday and we were talking about how likely it was that the featured brides would be divorced based on how they were choosing their wedding gowns - so many people marry because they see a step or a goal of a wedding, not because they truly want to spend the rest of their lives with a person... my husband and I are celebrating 15 years of marriage this year and we are truly polar opposites, but we both knew going into our marriage who we were and who the person we were marrying was... I love that we are able to be ourselves together - that's what a marriage is...
ReplyDeleteIn my response to Josie, I almost qualified my remarks.
DeleteMy wife and I aren't a matched set. We are very different people. Being different doesn't make it impossible. Dave from the article didn't make a mistake marrying someone he didn't have a lot in common with, he made a mistake by expecting those differences to magically disappear just because he wanted them to.
I believe that far too often people think like Dave, expecting change rather than accepting that no two people will ever be exactly alike.
Romance is overrated when it comes to marriage. People in mad love can be blind to things they should be seeing at times. I love my wife but I went into our marriage with open eyes. There has to be a balance of love and logic.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I agree that romance is overrated as much as I think romance in marriage is different than how it is portrayed in all media. It's not about grand sweeping gestures, it's about little things like letting her sleep in or her letting you watch the game. Little moments that seem minor but show deep caring and knowledge of one another.
DeleteI love your response on this one Monkey! Real romance is wonderful stuff that lasts a lifetime, it can be in something as simple as the smile in one's eyes that says more than a dozen roses or over-repeated words.
DeleteI think far too often the little gestures are missed. Both that they are done and when they aren't done.
DeleteIt's not always clear that your spouse giving you time to enjoy an activity is an act of love but it is. It's a selfless beautiful act.
On the flip side, sometimes something as a little free time to one's self would be so much appreciated and a partner just doesn't understand the desire.
Every moment counts and sometimes, it's the small ones that matter most.
you said it! Compromise and acceptance are the keys to a happy couple, in my humble opinion,,,,,'Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff'
ReplyDeleteIt is all small stuff. When people ask me the secret to staying married so long I tell them to learn to pick your battles. There are things worth arguing for or against but they are so few and far between. Most fights are stupid and have little to do with whatever sparks them. Just letting go of the little things makes a world of difference.
DeleteDave is an arse. If he can make a big deal of the little things, what good would he be in a crisis.
ReplyDeleteFar too many people are in love with the idea of marriage, without taking into account the realities of it.
My mum is a spender and my dad is a miserly grinch but that hasn't gotten in the way of their 45 years together.
Dave is a nit-picker and probably thought that marriage would be like in the movies. Once again, Dave is an arse.
Dave is destined to die alone because he's an idiot. You're exactly right, he thinks marriage is like the movies but if you look at the movies, very few are about being married. There are tons about courtships, many about newly divorced people, but very few about couples in their 15th year of marriage just being happy with each other.
DeleteCurious thing here is that most have forgotten the primal urge to mate is based on the partner being able to bear/sire children who will a) survive and b)continue the traits of the parents in order to survive themselves. The man might be a bit one eyed here. Civilisation really stuffed this process up when responsibilities were invented. With responsibilities came guilt, shame and jealousy...and of course stupidity. The first three are almost eliminated but sadly not stupidity. Don't you love evolution? By the way I loved the post!
ReplyDeleteMan fighting his nature isn't my idea of evolution. We made the rules for relationships and change them constantly against what feels natural. I could rant on the sybject all day.
DeleteGlad you enjoyed this one.
I've read a lot about folks projecting their ideals onto their mates, rather than seeing their mates for who they really are (God knows I've done it). It can take some folks longer than others to get to the point of maturely undertaking a life-long commitment. Maybe some never get there. It's heartening, though, to read about your personal experience - and early Happy Anniversary wishes to you and your missus!
ReplyDeleteMost of us have been in relationships that weren't good for us for whatever reason. Ol' Dave here was 45 and still expecting his partner to change for him. At some point, we have to learn or the species won't evolve.
DeleteMy anniversary is in August. I'm counting on my wife not killing me before then.
If I have anything to say about it you won't make it to August .. especially after reading this!
ReplyDeleteReally? This one upset you? I thought it was rather tame.
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